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I managed to pull my lips away from his。 We panted in the dark； our breath warm on each other’s faces。
“Thank you；” I said again。
“Wait…”
“I can’t。 I can’t… bear any more。 Okay？”
“Okay；” he whispered。
“I just want one more thing。 Let me do this alone。 Please？”
“If… if you’re sure that’s what you want…” He trailed off； unsure。
“It’s what I need； Jared。”
“Then I’ll stay here；” he said hoarsely。
“I’ll send Doc to get you when it’s over。”
His arms were still locked around me。
“You know that Ian is going to try to kill me for letting you do this？ Maybe I should let him。 And Jamie。
He’ll never forgive either of us。”
“I can’t think about them right now。 Please。 Let me go。”
Slowly； with a palpable reluctance that warmed some of the cold emptiness in the center of my body；
Jared let his arms slide away。
“I love you； Wanda。”
I sighed。 “Thanks； Jared。 You know how much I love you。 With my whole heart。”
Heart and soul。 Not the same thing； in my case。 I’d been divided too long。 It was time to make
something whole again； make a whole person。 Even if that excluded me。
Just my imagination； of course。 It was still summer here。 It would always be summer here for me。
“What happens here when it rains； Jared？” I whispered。 “Where do people sleep？”
It took him a moment to answer； and I could hear tears in his voice。 “We…” He swallowed。 “We all
move into the game room。 Everyone sleeps in there together。”
I nodded to myself。 I wondered what the atmosphere would be like。 Awkward； with all the conflicting
personalities？ Or was it fun？ A change？ Like a slumber party？
“Why？” he whispered。
“I just wanted to… imagine。 How it will be。” Life and love would go on。 Even though it would happen
without me； the idea brought me joy。 “Goodbye； Jared。 Mel says she’ll see you soon。”
Liar。
“Wait… Wanda…”
I hurried down the tunnel； hurried away from any chance that he might； with his grateful lies； convince me
not to go。 There was only silence behind me。
His pain did not hurt me the way Ian’s had。 For Jared； pain would be over soon。 Joy was only minutes
away。 The happy ending。
The southern tunnel felt only a few yards long。 I could see the bright lantern burning ahead； and I knew
Doc was waiting for me。
I walked into the room that had always frightened me with my shoulders squared。 Doc had everything
prepared。 In the dimmest corner； I could see two cots pushed together； Kyle snoring with his arm around
Jodi’s motionless form。 His other arm was still curled around Sunny’s tank。 She would have liked that。 I
wished there was some way to tell her。
“Hey； Doc；” I whispered。
He looked up from the table where he was setting out the medicine。 There were already tears streaming
down his face。
And suddenly； I was brave。 My heart slowed to an even pace。 My breath deepened and relaxed。 The
hardest parts were over。
I had done this before。 Many times。 I had closed my eyes and gone away。 Always knowing new eyes
would open again； but still。 This was familiar。 Nothing to fear。
I went to the cot and hopped up so that I was sitting on it。 I reached for the No Pain with steady hands
and screwed the lid off。 I put the little tissue square on my tongue； let it dissolve。
There was no change。 I wasn’t in any pain this time。 No physical pain。
Generated by ABC Amber LIT Converter； processtext/abclit。html
”
I wanted to answer all the little puzzles before the end。
Doc sniffed and wiped the back of his hand under his eyes。
“Eustace。 It’s a family name； and my parents were cruel people。”
I laughed once。 Then I sighed。 “Jared’s waiting； back by the big cave。 I promised him you’d tell him
when it was over。 Just wait until I—until I… stop moving； okay？ It will be too late for him to do anything
about my decision then。”
“I don’t want to do this； Wanda。”
“I know。 Thanks for that； Doc。 But I’m holding you to your promise。”
“Please？”
“No。 You gave me your word。 I did my part； didn’t I？”
“You did。”
“Then do yours。 Let me stay with Walt and Wes。”
His thin face worked as he tried to keep back a sob。
“Will you be… in pain？”
“No； Doc；” I lied。 “I won’t feel anything。”
I waited for the euphoria to e； for the No Pain to set everything glowing the way it had the last time。
I still didn’t feel any difference。
It must not have been the No Pain after all—it had just been being loved。 I sighed again。
I stretched out on the cot； on my stomach； and turned my face toward him。
“Put me under； Doc。”
The bottle opened。 I heard him shake it onto the cloth in his hand。
“You are the noblest； purest creature I’ve ever met。 The universe will be a darker place without you；” he
whispered。
These were his words over my grave； my epitaph； and I was glad that I got to hear them。
Thank you； Wanda。 My sister。 I will never forget you。
Be happy； Mel。 Enjoy it all。 Appreciate it for me。
Bye；we thought together。
Doc’s hand pressed the cloth gently over my face。 I breathed in deeply； ignoring the thick；
unfortable scent。 As I took another breath； I saw the three stars again。 They were not calling to me；
they were letting me go； leaving me to the black universe I had wandered for so many lifetimes。 I drifted
into the black； and it got brighter and brighter。 It wasn’t black at all—it was blue。 Warm； vibrant； brilliant
blue… I floated into it with no fear at all。
CHAPTER 59
Remembered
The beginning would feel like the end。 I’d been warned。
But this time the end was a greater surprise than it had ever been。 Greater than any end I’d remembered
in nine lives。 Greater than jumping down an elevator shaft。 I had expected no more memories； no more
thoughts。 What end was this？
The sun is setting—the colors are all rosy； and they make me think of my friend… what would her name
be here？ Something about… ruffles？ Ruffles and more ruffles。 She was a beautiful Flower。 The flowers
here are so lifeless and boring。 They smell wonderful； though。 Smells are the best part of this place。
Footsteps behind me。 Has Cloud Spinner followed me again？ I don’t need a jacket。 It’s warm
here—finally！—and I want to feel the air on my skin。 I won’t look at her。 Maybe she’ll think I can’t hear
and she’ll go home。 She is so careful with me； but I’m almost grown now。 She can’t mother me forever。
“Excuse me？” someone says； and I don’t know the voice。
I turn to look at her； and I don’t know the face； either。 She’s pretty。
The face in the memory jerked me back to myself。 That was my face！ But I didn’t remember this。…
“Hi；” I say。
“Hello。 My name is Melanie。” She smiles at me。 “I’m new in town and… I think I’m lost。”
“Oh！ Where are you trying to go？ I’ll take you。 Our car is just back —”
“No； it’s not far。 I was going for a walk； but now I can’t find my way back to Becker Street。”
She’s a new neighbor—how nice。 I love new friends。
“You’re very close；” I tell her。 “It’s just around the second c